1-604-836-6484. We provide intimacy services for men, women, and couples with physical disabilities. Find info and pics about our coaches, sexual health related info, and advocacy for the disabled community here on our blog. The first of its kind in Canada!
Sex and disability: yes, the two can and should go together
My
disability means I cannot independently dress, shower or feed myself –
but with support, I can have a fulfilling sexual life. I wish more
people with a disability could say the same
‘My support workers would squeeze me into spunky corsets and fishnets’. Photograph: Sarah Lee
Sex and sexuality are very contested spaces for people with
disabilities. Services, governments, support workers and even the best, most
forward thinking parents often see it as a bridge too far. Many people with
disabilities are supported in every other aspect of their lives, but this is often
delivered in a way that treats them as asexual.
Almost every
person with a disability can tell you of a time when
they sought to express themselves sexually, only to be thwarted by those
around them. It happened to me. I have cerebral palsy from birth, and
my physical disability means I cannot independently
dress, shower, feed myself or do any fine motor tasks. I can, however,
socialize independently, speak my mind, study, work and pay taxes.
As
a young adult I was living in rural North Queensland, working at TAFE
and
having a fling with a moderately important, intelligent public servant. I
had
sorted out contraception and succeeded in dating this person to the
“interested” stage, only to find out that my usually accepting family
could not even entertain the idea. They rang me and
said “no, no, no”. They rang my boss’
mother-in-law, who rang her daughter, who rang her husband, who said
to me “they think you’re going to get some”. They even rang the
interested person to discuss it.
If it wasn’t so perverse, it would be funny.
My
mother was the only one who moderately supported me and called my
sisters off their hyper-protection of my virginity, but even she
didn’t really know what to do next.
As I’m a fairly independent
and determined person, I wasn’t going to take
this thwarting of my sexuality quietly. I took my hard-won individual
support package
funding and set off to lead an independent life. I was lucky. I had
support, could live in a
regular apartment, and had the academic credits and nous to see a PhD as
an
exit-strategy from the asexual, country Queensland wasteland to the
bountiful fruit garden of a capital city and university campus.
There was a lingering concern. I was a 30 year old virgin, and my
medically-trained sister had led me to believe my bits might not work. So I
used the yellow pages to get a nice man in a suit to come and relieve me of
that worrisome cherry.
After that, it was game on. There was a hot and heavy long term
multi-night stand with a person I’d known in the sector for years (just in case
you find this suspicious, I should add that he had not been involved in
delivering any disability services to me for years).
All this
while, I had fabulous support workers. They’d cook dinners; squeeze me
into spunky corsets and
fishnets, refilled my condom purse. I did have one worker who got
squeamish at putting
lip balm on my nipples. I helped her by getting her to put it on my
finger, so
I could apply it myself (I sense my audience getting a bit uncomfortable
here, thinking they don’t want to read details – but they are
important, because you need to know that I cannot dress or feed myself –
so support is an
important part of helping my life to unfold).
I also took to
social media to invent the persona of a sexually intriguing
woman who just happened to not dress, feed or cook for herself, yet
managed to
live alone and have a number of random, casual sexual encounters. It was
a space in which I had power and agency, where I could put trust in
strangers. You can find
out a lot about men and how they will treat a woman when they let their
guard
down because they want to walk in your secret garden. It’s easy to weed
out the
weirdos and not give them details.
I was the goddess of my own sexual kingdom, and knights came to court
me. Through the internet I met the engineer, the logistics person,
the skater boy, the young builder who bought us pizza, the Greek guy who took his
wedding ring off ...
The reaction of my support workers was also
very interesting. Even
when they were committed Christians, like one young woman was, they
seemed to value me – the whole person – over their own beliefs. This
young woman, who sneezed so quietly and delicately that Freud would
have been concerned, gave me dinner one night before I was set to meet
someone and made me
solemnly vow that I would “call her if I needed her”.
This thoroughly enlightened attitude begs the questions: if a committed Christian could
honour and support my sexuality, why do so many people try to deny
it? Why don’t we facilitate
sexual contact for people with disabilities? And why are we so prudish about sex in general?
These are crucial questions that society must address if people with
disabilities are to exercise their full human rights. Governments need to stop
making “safeguarding” laws that effectively limit the sexual opportunities of
people with disabilities. In some states of Australia, it is an offence to have
sexual relations with a person who has “an impairment of the mind”, rendering
many people with disabilities celibate.
Solicitation laws need to permit
support to be given to people with disabilities who require assistance to
negotiate and organise the services of sex workers. Service providers and
direct care/support workers need to be less prudish, and start respecting the
privacy and desirous needs of people with disabilities. And families need to
understand that children with disabilities grow into adults who have the full
range of adult physical and sexual needs.
Are you getting your sham-rocked? Its a weekend of pure green fun whether it be #greenbeer or Micky D's green shakes or participating in #CelticFestival - there's lots of ways to show your Irish spirit!
Here's to the land of #leprechauns, pots of gold, and 4-leaf clovers. May the wind be always at your back.... We salute all you Irish blooded wee folk!
More medals and great achievements by our visually-impaired athletes. #proudtobecanadian
Sensual Solutions is an organization committed to human rights advocacy and sex education for physically challenged adults. We offer access to sexual health info and experiences. Elevate your life today!
Abilities Expo - Monday, April 14
#Roundhouse Community Centre
Vancouver, BC
We hope to see you at #ConnecTra Society's 2014 Abilities Expo on Monday, April 14, 12:30pm - 4:30pm. Look for the Sensual Solutions booth and come by and say hello! See what we are all about - ask your questions, and meet some of the Sensual Coaches and #surrogates.
